I took ice and was in a five man orgy
that was recorded by a guy
who has the tape and isn’t answering my calls.
Now, I’m worried that if the video gets out to people I know
they’ll all think I’m a bad man.
Everytime I think about it...
I can’t stop the tears. I’ve been crying for two days.
I want to be happy. I don’t know why I did it.
I have money, a car and houses. I don’t have a perfect body,
but I do have a nice shape. I don’t know why no one loves me.
Every man I’ve ever loved has hurt me. I’m afraid of love.
I don’t know why no one loves me.
Thai guys only want sex three or four times
and then they are finished.
The last boyfriend I had was a twenty-nine year old perfect body.
He gave me a key to his room.
So, one day I went there and caught him
having sex with another man... it hurt me so bad.
If I told my Thai friends what happened on Saturday
the whole country would know in two days.
If my parents found out
it would be better for me to kill myself:
They don’t know I’m gay.
In Thailand, if parents have a gay son
everyone will think
they did somethings wrong.
And I thought if I told you,
you wouldn’t talk to me anymore.
"That’s why you cancled dinner," I asked.
“Yes,” he said, “because I didn’t want you to see my sadness.”
____
The Writer: Nahshon Cook lives in Thailand. His collection of poems The Killing Fields and Other Poems will be published in 2015 by Shabda Press.
